Playground politics
Nobody prepares us for this phenomenon, and so most new parents enter the school playground for the first time in the same way: open, polite, pleasant, non-assuming and ultimately naive. They enter to drop off their child but soon realise what a Pandora’s box they are opening when they enter this gladiatorial arena. Only the strong come out unharmed.
It isnt long before they meet the following :
The Working mum:
You rarely see these. The offspring are usually escorted by Grandparents or Childminders. Otherwise the wraparound care deliver them and you rarely see the children either then. The parents are usually in professions and can range from really pleasent, absent types that you would actually like to see more often for a chat, or otherwise the bitter, working types who eagerly complain to the school at every opportunity about the planning of sports days, fetes, parent lunches and performances that clash with their working hours.
The Yummy mummy:
Yes indeed there are usually some well turned out, conscious of their appearance, mums. They appear to have it, looks, clothes, large house, nice car, job, doting husband. They normally have a highly effective circle of equally yummy mummies that the other mums aspire to or resent, or less yummy mummies that are nevertheless adoring of the central figure and follow them endlessly. You may watch this type of mummy longingly, wishing you could be part of their close-knit devotees. They may even socialise and holiday together and are rightly labelled as very ‘clicky’.
The ‘council’ mummy
Not necessarily living in a council house but nevertheless have the appearance of a struggling type. Either a unkempt appearance or generally loud persona who will happily yell across the playground “ger’ over here, NOW!!!!!” Their kids are the cocky, loud types too. They may arrive at the playground in full onsie with last nights makeup still smeared on or even a micro skirt and low cut top but either way, they were clearly out on the ‘razzle’ the night before and may have forgotten to get ready for the schoolrun this morning. They can be warm, friendly types, just with extensions, false lashes and a foul mouth
Then there are the tough ‘council’ types, that crave an argument to assert their authority and will offer other parents out if challenged. Cross these at your peril. They mean business.
The fickle mummy
There’s always the mummy who likes to change friends regularly to further their own or their childs position. You will spot them travelling around the friendship groups on the playground. They will often have a new ‘best friend’ every few weeks, and go to great lengths to achieve this. They are the gossips who know everyones business, and the ones who create a following through avert flattery or criticism until other mummies feel intimidated and either avoid, or more often try to be in their favour, by listening to their endless gossip and criticism of other, nicer mummies. They will work hard to befriend any influential, including teachers, childcare staff, governors, just to further their cause, They like to lead a social circle too, and have a long list of friends on facebook, just so they can keep an eye on the other parents circumstances, should they become advantageous, which actually makes them one of the most lethal types of playground mafia.
The Distant mummy
There are always some of these who arguably are sensible enough to avoid all social contact with other parents. They may be very shy, have badly behaved children so avoid eye contact, lack social skills or are just naturally unfriendly. They may even consider themselves above everyone else on the playground. Either way they easily drop the kids off and collect them, from under the mafia noses, with barely a glance. They are to be admired for their approach but are unlikely to attend or invite your kids to a party or play-date. There are also the vacant types, who arent terribly bright and can be recognised for their blank stare.
The PTA Mummy
These are the hardworking, undervalued, do-gooder types, who will volunteer to help with everything and be in the thick of the school political scene. They will be the buffer of parent complaints about the events, the school, and the fundraising activities. This type of mummy can be right in the firing line! They will work part-time or not at all in order to fit in the PTA commitments. They are abit too good to be true, are often accused of being ‘clicky’, and soon make enemies of both less charity minded parents and some teachers, who resent an outsider having access to the school outside of hours or having a close working relationship with the head. They can be busybodies who know more than they should. If befriended by a fickle or malicious mummy, they could release important information across the school.
The Malicious mummy
You will cross paths with these at your peril. They are deceitful, manipulative and adore a good gossip, full of malice and laughter at the expense of other parents. If there is an argument, or a complaint against the school or other parents, you can guarantee that the malicious mummy has stirred it all up. If there is an incident between pupils, you can bet the rest of the school will know about it from this type of mummy. They will gather a crowd of complainers and march into school to complain about every last detail, from what class they would like their child in, who they should be allowed to be play with, and what day events should take place. If there is an error on a date, or a spelling mistake on a newsletter, then you can be sure that malicious mummy has spotted it and proclaimed it to all the other waiting parents. They will complain about all non uniform days, all extra curricula events and trips, every class teacher they meet, homework tasks and the teaching techniques used by the school. They are never happy with the school and freely complain about all parties. They are like vampires, sucking out all positivity. This can inspire a circle of wary friends who enjoy the complaining and gossiping until its directed towards them, which it will be at some point soon!
The Grandparents and Dads tend to fall into the ‘distant’ or a new catergory, called
The ‘Inobtrusive’.
These people don’t seek out friendships and either happily stay quiet and distant or otherwise pleasantly chatty to the mummies. They are happy to remain in the background and are at the school simply to drop or collect the kids. They are very straighforward and don’t tend to immerse themselves in any particular groups. These are your safest bet for a worry-free, no strings attached, playground chat.