It’s a favourite study of mine, sibling rivalry, especially now I have three kids. I can’t help but wonder if they’ll love or loathe each other when they’re adults, and how the parents play such a big part in how well siblings actually get on in later life.
I would hate to put more pressure on us already exhausted parents. Goodness knows feeding, clothing and educating them is already a lot, but I firmly believe that there’s much work to do on on how siblings get treated, if you are to ensure their future happiness. I genuinely don’t know the correct recipe either.
Let’s take a look at positioning and relationship with parents first.
I still think the eldest is normally the organiser and one they lean on during Life. They often start as the apple of their parents eye and remain high status in the family, firmly focussed on for their pioneering through childhood, school, work and adulthood.
Meanwhile the youngest is the one who gets most attention and gets looked after most, aswell as reaping the financial benefits of ‘last child to be provided for’ (cue the accusations of favourite). The youngest can also be a carer of parents later on; perhaps being youngest leaves them feeling closer to parents or just having more energy!
The eldest is often thought to be brightest with the big career, but I would always argue that the Middle child seems to be the one to move furthest away or at least have the most independence from the family, maybe even being the rebel or the successful achiever in the family.
The more children in the family, the more the positioning seems to merge. We start to enter ‘elder’, ‘middle’ and ‘younger’ children categories, with more than one child featuring in a role.
As to who the favourite is? That completely depends on personality and compatibility with parent and who can manipulate or charm them the best. I can think of a different sibling in every family that seems to be favoured.
Some seem to dote on the eldest for their achievement or mature, responsible personality. Some seem to adore the middle achiever who has been the cleverest or most successful. Some seem to revolve around the lively, funny, strong-willed youngest child who can wrap them round their little fingers.
I’ve known favourite middle, eldest and youngest in different families.
This favourite child doesn’t seem affected by placing in the family. Sometimes you just get on better with someone or understand each other emotionally and I think that’s where the favourite child accusation arrives. Equally the favourite child when younger doesn’t always become the favourite adult later on for parents. There is always a child you spend more money on, or lavish more emotional attention on, or who is more reliant/needy on parents than others.
There’s also a real difference with single sex and mixed sex siblings too. Single Sex families seem closest as children, but argue or compete the most for attention as adults. This seems a gimme, however they also spend the most time with each other and are therefore deemed ‘closest’. Presumably their similar hobbies, tastes and focus in life contribute to this. Throw in abit of competitive rivalry with the sense of family duty and you’ll get the picture.
Girl siblings seem better at staying in touch and expecting to spend time together, or even being ‘close’.
Boy siblings either enter a sense of comraderie and humour together or clash horribly and move away from each other.
Mixed sex siblings squabble a great deal in childhood but by the time they’re adults it seems a genuinely peaceful relationship, although rarely close. The competition is less prevalent here, presumably because lives and interests go in different directions. They’re less likely to argue but perhaps less likely to rely on each other or spend time together. The older sister to younger brother scenario can appear the most peaceful, with a sense of nurture present. The older brother to a younger sister either presents an overly protective close brother/sister bond or a sense of distance and independence from each other.
This leads me to the only person completely unaffected by all this – the only child.
The only child is of course adored, lavished with attention, and provided for in every way. This is where the phrase ‘spoilt’ enters; if there is no one else to provide for, share with or worry about, then of course the child recieves in abundance.
Psychologists say if there’s a bigger gap than 6 years that a younger sibling takes on ‘the only child’ status. So we enter the realms of the youngest child who might behave or get treated like an only child, just to confuse matters. Anyway back to the only child.
I do believe there are two types of only children :
The one who is top dog; the child, then adult, who is completely used to and let’s face it, expects their own way. We all know one of these. They can be strong willed, manipulative, opinionated, charming, funny and ‘butter wouldn’t melt’, but they are always seeking their own way. It’s really not their fault, they are used to it! They expect the world to revolve around them and don’t cope well if it doesn’t, and so this behaviour continues into adulthood and working/family life.
Then there is the quieter only child. The sensitive soul who has been preciously preserved and over-protected by their parents. It can produce a gentle, caring child who will inevitably struggle with the harsh adult life. I have a friend who falls into this category and she always blamed being an only child on her inability to cope with confrontation and disagreements. She has no ability to stand up for herself simply because she never grew up arguing with a sibling!
Siblings are our first lesson in life. Through all those arguments and fights we are learning coping mechanisms and behaviours for our adult lives. We learn how to deal with sharing, how to problem solve and manage a disagreement, how to recognise others feelings, how to care for others, even how to hate and resent others, or just to keep our distance, but all that stems from our training as children with our siblings.
Indeed our self esteem comes from how we perceive our parents relationships are with us and our siblings. If you were to ask any sibling they would say there was a favourite! They might even gang up on each other to argue about who the favourite is. The truth is sibling positioning and the ‘favourite child’ do seem to have a strong bearing on us and greatly influence our relationships with our siblings as we become adults, progress through life and eventually lose the parents who raised us.
I don’t know anyone who was close to every sibling, who never argued or resented each other as children, but I do know adults who become incredibly close to a sibling when they are older. That can be quite hard to predict but rests on the characters who are perhaps least jealous or most in need.
In truth we are pack animals, still trapped in our cave dweller days, living in groups and supporting each other, with clear roles to fulfil. There will be clashes, human emotions of love, jealousy and resentment, accusations that siblings do differing amounts for their family and expect differing amounts in return. This is all pack behaviour, and the leadership will probably shift and change throughout.
In most families it seems there has to be a top dog, a battle for top dog and a runt.
I think I prefer the runt position, it’s less hard work.