It’s a favourite study of mine, sibling rivalry, especially now I have three kids. I can’t help but wonder if they’ll love or loathe each other when they’re adults, and how …
Source: Sibling rivalry
03 Saturday Dec 2016
Posted Family, motherhood, life
inIt’s a favourite study of mine, sibling rivalry, especially now I have three kids. I can’t help but wonder if they’ll love or loathe each other when they’re adults, and how …
Source: Sibling rivalry
03 Saturday Dec 2016
Posted Family, motherhood, life
inIn my work as a teacher I meet and deal with bullying regularly. Disagreements explode into arguments, resentment, intimidation and isolating members of the group. The fractures gradually break dow…
Source: Bullies are empowering
02 Friday Dec 2016
Posted Family, motherhood, life
inIn my work as a teacher I meet and deal with bullying regularly. Disagreements explode into arguments, resentment, intimidation and isolating members of the group. The fractures gradually break down a cohesive team and positive work becomes nigh impossible in a room of angry victims and perpetrators. I witness allegiance quickly changing and popularity campaigns being skilfully led in order to achieve ‘top dog’ status. I witness raging arguments as this battle ensues, alongside whispering and scheming. Social media battles throw it out of proportion as our keyboard warriors incite huge attacks on each other under the cover of night.
All of this impacts on our workload and causes worry and upset for those feeling affected. The bully often claims to be bullied, twisting the victims response into an attack, we have threats of angry parents demanding resolution and upset students threatening to withdraw or leave.
Its is tiresome, frustrating and distracts from learning. We operate zero tolerance and all situations are tackled, through diplomacy, liaison or disciplinaries. However the blame almost always lies on the shoulders of those involved. Both sides.
We live in a blame culture where noone takes responsibilities for their actions. Everyone is the victim and noone accepts responsibility.
Too often students leap straight to the tutor, expecting immediate solutions or we get a furious parent stepping in demanding instant response.
And yet I can’t help but feel that sometimes people need disagreements. Its human nature isn’t it to argue? We have conflicting thoughts and a blow out can clear the air. Is it not more dangerous to allow feelings to simmer without expression? Bullies seek out those that respond to them. There must be tactics for avoidance without complete resignation.
Only last week I had a student complain to me about being bullied. She had strong opinions on a piece the group was working on. She had been strongly outspoken and vociferous about her opinions to the group, and invariably some of the other girls had taken offence at the criticism. This had resulted in withdrawal of friendship, lots of sulking, eye rolling and various passive aggressive methods to show their quiet protest. The ‘victim’ was a loud, confident character who was very upset and convinced she was being bullied and intimidated. She said it was impossible to work with them and what was I going to do about it. She ranted for a full 20 mins, furious that I wasn’t saying what she wanted to hear. She threatened me with her parents if I wouldn’t ‘deal with it’ and that she’d complain about me not taking her being bullied seriously. She was absolutely incensed by my methods. Would you like to know what my solution was that she took such offence at?
My suggestion was simple – I wanted her to take each girl to one side when she was feeling calmer and have a quiet chat. Just calmly explain to them alone (and it was essential that they were both alone, without the back up of their allies) that she was feeling that she had upset them and that they weren’t enjoying working with her.
She argued that she’d already tackled them and tried to talk and it ended up with everyone crowding round her shouting.
‘Ah but you weren’t alone then’ was my reply. If you were alone you may have discussed it more effectively.
My idea was simple – instead of yelling at everyone and get angrier and angrier, be the bigger person and act in a professional manner, with maturity, by discussing the issues calmly. Find out the problem and together create a solution.
This was the advice that was apparently ‘not taking her bullying seriously’ and resulted in threats of parents coming in the sort it and complaints to my managers.
I suspect my student wanted me to sit them both down and do the work for them. Challenge the bullying, shout at them, threaten them with disciplinaries, kick them off the course… but I felt that would mean I was putting a sticking plaster over the issue. That ‘mummy’ was stepping in. I also had a hunch the victim was holding the power in all this.
Either way, how were they going to learn to deal with this situation if I did it all for them?
Bullying, for all its upset and anxieties, is a positive thing. It is empowering. I can think of no sharper learning curve than developing a system for dealing with bullies and managing disagreements.
The truth is we have a responsibility to prepare our children and young adults with these life skills. There is a positive side to bullying.
I always tell my students that bullying isn’t exclusive to childhood, school or college. They will meet a bully in every office or workplace, every management team, every friendship group, every family circle. We are surrounded by people fighting for the position of top dog who are ruthless in order to achieve that. If they become the victim every time they meet that type, life will be very miserable and they will always be on the move to escape it.
The greatest skill they can learn is coping mechanisms and methods to tackle top dogs. Here’s some tips :
1. Bullies need attention.
‘Ignore them’ is actually a really effective piece of advice. No response will cause boredom. The person who pays no attention and deliberately continues on regardless with a smile on their face is of no interest to the bully. I call this ‘staying under the radar’. Give them no energy or power. Do not take the bait. Rationalise their behaviour and ‘walk in their shoes’ to understand their behaviour. Nullify them.
2. Bullies need power
Bullies never work alone. They build up a network of supporters usually through underhand means of gossip and ‘bitchy’ behaviour or strong behaviour of intimidation. This attracts people who are grateful they aren’t the target, so they leap on board. They feed off attention and their ‘army’. They may be loud bullies or quiet, manipulative bullies but they work hard at developing followers. Don’t be a follower. Nullify it.
3. Bullies are trying to reinforce their self esteem.
Bullies are never, never happy people, at one with them-self or with a high self esteem. They are the complete opposite. They are wracked with insecurity and driven by a need to prove themselves through status. This can be misconstrued and they can seem powerful but they are not.
4. Bullies claim to be bullied
I have lost count of the amount of students who claim they are being bullied when it is very obvious that they are the intimidating or underhanded characters; the very trigger for the situation. Humans are naturally selfish and self focussed. We see things from our own perspective and rarely from others until it is pointed out to us. Hence the bully often feels they are the victim and they are simply responding to how they are being treated.
5. Intimidating others is learned behaviour.
Chances are they have been doing this all their lives. If it worked as a kid then the behaviour gets repeated. I call This ‘playground tactics’ for a reason. There may be psychological issues there, learning difficulties, deep rooted anger, jealousy, mental health or personal circumstance that fire the behaviour . This is cycle that needs breaking and empathy is a learned behaviour to combat it.
I’m not suggesting that You or I ignore bullying. As I said earlier, I operate zero tolerance. However I believe in the parties finding their own solutions or equilibrium and that demands mature behaviour. I also believe in waiting until emotion has dissipated and we can look at a problem rationally. Bullying is not something to deal with instantly.
More often than not things blow over, people forgive and move on; it resolves itself. People get bored or miss mixing with the person they have attacked. It’s is essential we allow this process to take place. It is normal to disagree about things. Even to argue. It is normal for it to mellow later and for calm to restore itself.
The best thing we can teach our young people is watchful waiting. Time is a great healer. Alongside empathy and the ability to walk in another’s shoes. We can learn so much from bullies. We can learn how to cope with them and methods to deal with them. We shouldn’t be too quick to step in for our children. It is essential they learn how to manage this in order to cope with life ahead.
We can simply teach them to be the bigger person and feel empowered.